She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
