either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
