Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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