No, drunk sperm still make babies.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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