remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This baby is an asshole
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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