why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
