Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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