i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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