You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
