the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
