You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
