there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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