new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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