Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
