I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
