im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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