walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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