i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
