I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize