Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
