so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
