i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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