just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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