last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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