How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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