I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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