You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
