Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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