I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the condom got lost in my hair
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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