I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
