I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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