you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
