found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
