College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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