Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
