I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
