bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
