My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
