So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
