Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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