someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
