We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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