I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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