have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
