when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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