ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
