come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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