new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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