DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
