I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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