I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
