Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
