My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
