I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
