He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
