I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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