I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
