she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
