The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
