youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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