I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
