I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You have to summon your inner elephant
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
