I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Is Oprah even human
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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