Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
