that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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