You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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