Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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