he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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