Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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