Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
