he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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