My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
