It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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