All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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